“Magma rises through cracks on weaknesses in the earth’s crust. When this pressure is released, as a result of plate movement, magma explodes to the surface causing a volcanic eruption . The lava from the eruption cools to form a new crust. Over time, after several eruptions, the rock builds up and a volcano forms.” ( http://www.bbc.co.uk/schools/gcsebitesize/geography/natural_hazards/volcanoes_rev1.shtml )
Dawn has barely broken, although the sun never set peacefully. In a panic, she jumps out of her restless slumber in search of her safety zone who tries to warmly welcome her to a new day. Try as her safety might, it’s not accepted easily. She’s in a haze brought on by the whirlwind of what’s going on in her mind, body and soul. Insecurities, uncertainties, misunderstanding and anxiety eat away at her very core. This only adds to the chaos and discomfort of how her body physically feels, making her skin crawl. Every ounce of her is trying to be held together.
The sun shines bright in hopes to help ease into a good day. The same routine unravels, but with the commotion brewing – routine and schedule don’t give any promise that she will remain calm. A warning for a transition is put into place. She mindlessly responds with “okay”, not showing any other form of communication that she understands what’s about to come. The time comes to end her virtual escape located in an electronic rectangle, today anyway. Transitions are not her friend regardless of screens or no screens. The pressure that’s been building is about to show. The transition infringed upon her control of a decision. She’s stuck and seeing red, tunnel vision. She cannot move in any direction besides shifting inward, applying more pressure to what currently is residing within her. She can only keep it together for so long. She says she wasn’t done. She’s kindly reminded about the period of transition.
Her surface breaks. All focus is lost, besides searching for a release. It’s here. Her safety zone stands strong, although it will be painful. This volcanic eruption of a meltdown, yet again, doesn’t stand a chance against her safety’s love for her. As destructive as the lava is, as unbearable as it is every single time – her safety zone remains. The energy, heat, power and strength of her magma is nearly indescribable. She just wants to be understood. She can’t communicate. She wants to badly to keep it in, but alas she always gets to this point of mass destruction. Enormous emotion one could never comprehend.
Her eyes. They crush my soul. She wants so badly to tell me how she feels – but she can’t. She is so lost and confused. She knows she will be isolated, but the lava continues to erupt. More destruction to herself, to me and her surroundings. There is no choice left but to isolate her, so the destruction is minimized. Everything inside me is screaming. I want to hold and console my little girl – but I can’t. Communication is non existent and impossible when the volcano erupts. I just have to pray through it. I’m shattered, sitting in a puddle outside her door of so many mixed and helpless emotions. It doesn’t make matters better that my own volcano just competed with hers. I’m so lost in this journey of unknown.
The calm after the explosion is taking place. A broken voice speaks out, asking to come out. She says she’s all done. I hesitate to open the door because I have no idea if the lava completely cooled. Regardless, I offer her a hug. I am her safety zone, no matter the circumstance. She falls in my arms. As helpless as she feels, she is as strong as a mountain, a volcano that’s formed over the years. With each meltdown, her skin continues to grow thicker and so does her will. She will continue to erupt frequently until we find her the help she needs. For now, I have to fight this battle with her every step of the way. For now, when she collapses into my lap from sheer exhaustion, guilt and shame – I will continue to look her in the eye. Why? Because as uncomfortable as prolonged eye contact can be for her, I know I am speaking to her heart and crushing that guilt she is overcome by. That reassurance, from her safety zone will wrap her heart in love unconditionally. It’s what will get her through each hardship, heartache and sadness when she feels so lost. After all, her safety zone has survived four years thus far of countless volcanic eruptions – nothing stands between me and my girl.