Just reflecting on the past month or so. I’m struggling. However, in the midst of struggling, God has put us toward the right path in helping our little girl. I’m struggling because currently it’s truly hard to find the joy in being this mother that God has chosen me to be. Love hurts. Enough said. There are many days that have gone by when I think that I really don’t like my daughter right now, but you better not ever confuse that with my love for her. Love and grace are the only two things that have gotten me here to this day.
I was reflecting upon her meltdowns. In the process of them, I’m mustering up every bit of strength to not lose my cool but the reality of it is – it’s wasted strength because I lose my cool anyway. Once she calms down, her face breaks my heart. I can see the embarrassment. The guilt. The hurt. Oh my word, how I FEEL her hurt. She doesn’t want to get to that point, she just cannot control it. I so badly just want to look at her and have her tell me how to fix it. I don’t want you hurting, sweetheart. I want to help you more than you know. Of course that’s hard to believe when I’m constantly yelling at you, and for that I am sorry. I’m learning, too. If only we knew how to help you communicate effectively. If only you could flat out tell us when you had that double ear infection, your stomach hurt, or about your sprained ankle. If only I could help you find an outlet that you can just be yourself and I wouldn’t constantly be after you. Some of that is my anxiety that yells over my heart, and I hate it.
Next Thursday we meet with a mental health counselor for a second time, this time Chloe comes to meet her, too. We have met with her once and she, I think, is going to be what we need to point us in the right direction with the right professionals, just before real school starts next year. Kindergarten will be a whole different routine for her, and she will be at school a lot longer as opposed to Preschool. She won’t be able to use her memory as a crutch in hopes that she answers something correctly, when she has no clue what is being asked or talked about. She won’t be able to move around constantly. She won’t be able to have things go exactly her way. She is going to have to adjust, and I’m praying for some coping mechanisms and tools to give to her in this scenario.
I am playing phone tag with the developmental pediatrician who saw her last year. He told us to contact him if we still have concerns. Newsflash – we had concerns, and they were dismissed by FOUR OF YOU. So here we are, one year later. One year deeper into more anxiety and stress. One year deeper into sleepless nights, struggles, and constant worrying. I can’t blame you though because she is developing and growing, so a lot of it just needs to “run its course”. However, I’m done letting it run its course. I’m finding her the help she needs, because God only knows I am not adequate or equipped for that. I am equipped to love her the best I can, and that includes relentless research and never giving up. I don’t care what it takes.